Beyond creating sensual products for women, we like to sit and write about female sexuality. This week, let’s talk oral sex!
Khia had us singing about it, while THAT scene in Gone Girl left Ben Affleck fans very hot under the collar.
We are talking about cunnilingus.
Some women love it while many find it uncomfortable to even talk about, never mind receiving it! Nevertheless, you can warm up to the idea.
We’ll share our favorite tips to overcome society-fuelled vulva shame and enjoy receiving oral sex. Props include a mirror, paper and pencil, a tongue vibrator…But more on that later! Let’s start by challenging the idea that oral sex is such a big taboo!
Oral sex in culture
While seeing a woman receiving oral sex in the mainstream media is still quite scarce compared to our male counterparts, cunnilingus really has had its moment everywhere, from controversial politics (it was illegal in some American states as recently as 2005) to religion and spirituality.
In fact, in Taoist practices, giving a woman oral sex is seen as a way to increase one’s longevity in life. After a quick Google search, we found female oral sex depicted everywhere from feminist pop-art and romantically in 18th Century Japanese paintings. So, you may be curious if art really imitates life?
What’s really going on behind closed doors
Contrary to what we may assume, according to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, researchers surveyed 5,865 people and found that in the 20 to 24- year-old bracket, only 55 percent of men said they had given oral sex to a woman in the past year, compared to 74 percent of women of the same bracket, who said they had given oral sex to a man.
Interestingly though, the tables turn as we age! In the 30 to 39 age bracket, 69 percent of men report having given a woman oral sex, while only 59 percent of women have given oral sex to a man.
The science proves that behind closed doors, women receiving oral sex is very common. However, it still remains a taboo subject for many.
Overcoming vulva shame
With advertising rife with body-shaming messages and male-pleasure traditionally being the focus in discussion on sex, women can be excused for believing that their bodies and more specifically their vulvas are undesirable. Many assume their vulvas should be altered in order to be worthy of receiving pleasure uninhibitedly.
For some women, the reservations around receiving oral sex go much deeper than feeling obliged to prep and prime beforehand though. Some women feel genuine disgust toward their genitals; that they in essence, are unclean, dirty even!
According to Emily Nagoski Ph.D, this disgust reaction is unfortunately quite common. Dr Nagoski calls upon the Moral Foundations Theory to explain that, in cultures that base their values on religious-patriarchal teachings like Christianity, sex and women are considered as “low”. Thus a “woman’s’ sex” has been collectively understood as low, dirty and impure.
Oral sex and vulnerability
Additionally, receiving oral sex is often consider more intimate than penetrative sex to some women and can feel like a much bigger deal than any other partner-sex act. According to sexologist Juliet Allen “this is because receiving oral sex is all about surrender, and many women are afraid of surrendering to another person, and don’t feel worthy of simply receiving pleasure and letting go.” Juliet goes on to explain that some of the stigma might stem from past experiences and trauma.
Once the issue around oral sex has been acknowledged, it may take some time, practice and perhaps therapy to unpack and work through.
It could simply be, however, an opportunity for more solo exploration of your body and a chance to develop a love story with your vulva. Here are some of our suggestions for doing this.
- Look at it – Finding a quiet time when you are able to relax and be alone; take a hand mirror or sitting in front of a full-length mirror take a long look at your vulva. Exploring the layers usings your fingers or simply have a good ol’ stare.
- Get artsy – After your time looking in the mirror, it could be a nice idea to draw what you see. You’ve probably seen a lot of vulva art popping up on Instagram; it’s a wonderful way to celebrate the uniqueness of our bodies. Look carefully at the different shades and textures.
- Yoni meditation – Lying down naked, with the soles of your feet touching and your knees open to the side (place pillows under your knees for extra support) place your hands on your lower belly forming the shape of a diamond. Breathe into your womb space. Notice any tension you are holding in your belly and hips. Can you relax the pelvis more with every exhale. Stay here and listen to what your yoni has to say to you.
- Massage – Using a small drop of natural oil such as coconut oil or a water-based lubricant massaging the labia post-shower. This is great to do especially while menstruating as our natural moisture lessens at this time.
- Masturbation – Starting off you could a use lubricant on your fingers to simulate the texture of a tongue with exploring the whole vulva area with licking-like movements. If you are used to masturbating this way, skip right ahead.
- Tongue vibrator fun – When you feel ready, add in a tongue vibrator. Using different types of strokes and pressures to mimic licking-like touches of oral sex with a tongue vibrator. Pair the tongue vibrator with plenty of water-based lubricant to help it glide all over- tracing patterns on your body and lingering in places that feel best.
This kind of exploration is not goal oriented. Ease off any expectations and take this as a chance to you will learn the areas of your body that receive this type of sensation the best.
If you have a partner that you would like to use the tongue vibrator with, you will now be able to demonstrate and guide how you like to receive oral sex. This could be the full experience itself or can help lead to being comfortable to you receiving oral sex.
If you want to know what all the fuss is about with tongue vibrators, check out our Frenchman: a super smooth and flexible oral sex simulator to enjoy a whole new kind of French kiss!