According to a large survey conducted among 400 women in the US, nearly 6 out of 10 women admit having already faked an orgasm at least once in their lives … And nearly one in 10 say they always do it! Some are very good actresses: we remember the mythical scene of the film When Harry meets Sally, where, in a crowded restaurant, Meg Ryan gives a very vocal demonstration to Billy Crystal, that yes, he can be fooled about the intensity of his partner’s pleasure .
But what is the point of simulating? Can it be beneficial for the couple? Or on the contrary damaging to the relationship and sex life of a couple? In reality, it depends on the context and intent.
Here are the dos and don’ts of simulating.
Don’t: Simulate not to upset your partner
Among the reasons why women simulate orgasm, not upsetting their partner comes first. But in this case, mimicking pleasure when you feel nothing can be counterproductive: you send the wrong message to your partner and make them believe that what they are doing is pleasing you.
As a result, they cannot realize that, perhaps, you would like for them to move differently, to touch you differently, or that you would have needed more foreplay before penetration. Communicating about what you like and what you don’t, with honesty, remains essential in an intimate relationship, and simulating can clearly blur sexual communication.
Don’t: Simulate to get it over with
Similarly, simulating just to get it over with prevents your partner to know you are not enjoying it, and it prevents both of you to make it more enjoyable for you the next time around.
It is true that it is not always easy to talk about it, and that the fear of hurting the other person sometimes keeps us from saying things frankly. Yet, speaking the truth is the best way for those moments to be moments of shared intimacy and pleasure for both of you, and not moments you are just waiting to pass.
Dos: Simulate to turn you on
On the other hand, slightly amplifying the effect of caresses, kisses and strokes by moaning a little louder, or by accelerating your breathing can become an unspoken language to guide your partner.
Being more expressive can give them valuable insights into what you like, without having to put words in it. And, icing on the cake, it also puts you in the mood: making your sexual response more vocal puts you in an erotic mode, and therefore increases your arousal. And that of your partner. Win-win!
In the end, simulating is neither good nor bad. It depends essentially on the intention. What matters the most is that you don’t neglect your pleasure. You don’t have to feel guilty for not reaching climax while having sex with your partner. Your way to pleasure is your own and you’re entitled to ask for it. And if simulating is a way for you to express what you like and want more of, then moan away!
Written by Charlotte Creplet, sex therapist at Sexocorner