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By Sofia Fortin, Sex coach & educator.
There are many reasons that our sex drive slows down or disappears altogether during the life transition that is motherhood. From stress and fatigue to hormone changes and painful intercourse, our desire can dry up. In my work supporting women to recover their libido post-baby, I have found there is one core issue that sits at the heart of it.
We just don’t feel sexy anymore.
Even when we know intellectually that we are gorgeous no matter what, and even when our partners say it - we just don’t somehow feel it. Now, leaking boobs and new bellies, plus a spit-up and sweatpant-filled existence, will do that to you - but even when we're past that stage, this feeling can pervade - because - well - society doesn’t want you to feel sexy. Cause moms don’t have sex, right?
That sneaky little belief that moms aren’t sexy or sexual beings and the sudden transition in identity from sexual me, lover me, sensual me, to mommy me - can put a screeching halt to any desire we have to get naked and have fun with ourselves and our partners.
One of the critical keys to reclaiming your sex life is to let the sexy you to breathe; to prioritize your pleasure and play. Your sexual self can co-exist with the mama self - and all our other selves!
So, how do we do that? A big hurdle here is that mommy and sexy me share the same physical environment. I’m a mother all day in my home; I may share a room and even a bed with my little one(s). So my sexy me has literally nowhere to play.
The solution is twofold. Depending on where we are in our motherhood journey - we need to find and talk to that sexual part of ourselves. We need to get back into a relationship with them. We also need to find the tools to help us mentally toggle from one version of ourselves to another - especially when we are gearing up for some sexy playtime.
We’ve collaborated with baby food brand Mamamade to bring our communities together to understand what feelings or thoughts arise when it comes to motherhood and sexuality.
To develop our intimate products for women, we constantly work with doctors and sexologists. But another thing is necessary to explore one’s sexuality, and that’s having access to reliable educational content about sex. That’s why we publish articles from sexologists to answer the questions you ask us about sex.
We asked sex therapist Kaycee Polite to breakdown the limited thinking around libido, and share tips and advice to improve a sexual relationship when you and your partner have different sex drives.