According to Debby Herbenick, a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health, good sex for men would more often imply orgasm, but for women, it often simply equals to no pain! Yes, you’ve read this right, NO PAIN. So, what we would like to do here is to raise the bar for what women call good sex. By like a lot!
At Smile Makers, we survey women on an ongoing basis to understand better their needs, desires, interrogations, doubts, etc…when it comes to sex. And we work with sexologists to create our products, so we share with them the questions that we get. Might as well go directly to the experts, right?
Bringing all this together, we decided to wrap it up in one place for the greater good women’s greater pleasure. Enjoy the read!
DEBUNKING SOME MYTHS ABOUT FEMALE SEXUALITY
Let’s start by clarifying some misconceptions when it comes to women and sex.
WOMEN HAVE LESS SEX DRIVE THAN MEN
Seriously, says who?
A study showed that men and women were “equally likely to be the member of the couple with lower sexual desire relative to their partner”. A woman’s sex drive can be stronger than a man’s and it fluctuates greatly with her cycle.
LIKE IN THE MOVIES, ALL IT TAKES IS 2 MINS OF IN-AND-OUTS
It can. But it’s also very common for women NOT to orgasm from penetration alone. Only one woman out of 4 consistently gets orgasms during vaginal intercourse. And since 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to reach an orgasm, it’s not a surprise that what we usually see in the movies simply doesn’t work for us IRL.
SEX = PENETRATION
Expanding on the previous point, if we reduce intercourse and sex to penetration, we are going to miss out on a lot of fun and pleasure for women. Not to mention that it disregards lesbian sexuality (it’s not all strap on). A study led in 2014 in the United States over 6000 individuals makes the case that lesbian women reported having a significantly higher probability of orgasm than did either heterosexual or bisexual women. This is interesting learning for heterosexual and bisexual women: what would happen if we were less focused on penetration?
VAGINAL DRYNESS = SHE’S NOT AROUSED
Vaginal lubrication is not a measurement tool for our level of arousal. It’s just not. Stress, exhaustion, dehydration, hormones (ie our menstrual cycle, pregnancy, post-natal, menopause…) factor into how we lubricate. Of course, if the problem is recurring, you should ask your gyno. In any case, don’t put up with the pain!
ORGASMS ARE ALWAYS A BIG WAVE OF PLEASURE
Working with a sexologist on an article, she had corrected me when I was about to write something the big O: “You know, orgasms are not always big Os, and it’s misleading to feed that image. Sometimes, orgasms feel small, more discreet…”. I plead guilty, I use the expression the Big O from time to time. But the truth is, we’re not always borderline passing out of pleasure when we climax, and orgasms intensity varies!
WOMEN HAVE LESS ORGASMS, AND THAT’S JUST HOW IT IS
We beg to differ, but current beliefs around female sexuality are the results of centuries of misconceptions and a vision of female sexuality built around reproduction, with little regard for our pleasure. Conversely to men, women can have several orgasms in a row with very short refractory periods. Our clitoris is the only organ in the human body only designed for pleasure. Our bodies’ pleasure potential is actually endless, and it’s time we take more interest in it!
WHAT IS THE ORGASM GAP AND WHY IT MATTERS
Today, statistically, heterosexual women report orgasming less from sexual intercourse with their partners than men or homosexual women. According to the study Variation in Orgasm Occurrence by Sexual Orientation in a Sample of U.S. Singles “Mean occurrence rate for experiencing orgasm during sexual activity with a familiar partner was 62.9% among single women and 85.1% among single men.”. In non-scientific lingo, it means that when a woman sleeps with her regular partner, she has a 6 out 10 chance to climax, when a man gets more than 8 out 10 chance to reach an orgasm. That’s a big gap!
And this translates in the way women rate their sexual experience as good. We use a completely different scale than men, and that even if, as said, our body is actually well fitted to bring us pleasure. We could climax more often, and more importantly, we could get more pleasure during sex. But we don’t.
A first good step to change this would be to actually pay attention to our own pleasure, to cultivate it and let our sexual self-blossom. It would be unfair to expect our partner to do it for us, we need to take the matter into our own hands. Quite literally.
MASTURBATION IS YOUR FRIEND
WHY MASTURBATION IS GOOD FOR YOU
First of all, masturbation is good for your health, to an extent you might not even suspect.
Being comfortable with your body can save your life
Studies have shown that women who self-pleasure tend to have better health reflexes leading to lower risk of dying from breast or cervical cancer. Why? Because they’re familiar with their body, do self-exams and get themselves checked regularly.
Other perks for your health include:
1. Self-love is like an on-demand mood booster (that doesn’t require you to go to the gym)
2. Orgasms strengthen pelvic floor
3. The hormones our body produces when we orgasm favor a better sleep
4. These hormones also help relieve stress
It also impacts your relationship with yourself
By paying attention to your desires and acting on them, you acknowledge them. Without needing any external validation. You become more conscious of your needs and likes, and how to cater for them by yourself instead of expecting someone to do it for you. You grow comfortable with your body and your sexuality.
TIPS FOR SOME QUALITATIVE SOLO SEX
1. Find a private and quiet place, where you won’t be disturbed. It might sound like overthinking it, but ideally avoid having things that distract you like piles of dirty laundry or your computer open to your professional inbox…
2. The vulva is a good place to start: fingers around or on the clitoris, using only 2 or 3 fingers, or the full palm, adding props like a cushion. You can even try different positions: lying down, sitting, or on your knees. You would be surprised to see how changing positions can change the effect of stimulation. The clitoris and the labia can be deliciously aroused through vibrations, so clitoral vibrators can be a pleasurable experimentation….
3. If you want to go further, you can try internal stimulation. There’s no pressure for you or your partner to climax in that particular setting so it’s actually a great opportunity to try and test how you could enjoy penetrative sex more. Focus on the sensation, be curious about your sensitivity down there. Vibrators for women are a great aid for internal stimulation, and don’t hesitate to lube them up for a nicer feel.
4. Go for the G: You’ve probably heard about the G-spot. That special inner spot where vaginal sensitivity unlocks wonders of pleasure…To find it, you need to focus your attention on the front wall of the vagina. Meaning if you’re using your fingers, bend them and see where it feels more sensitive. Some women prefer to get the assistance of a G-spot vibrator . In any case, it’s the pressure, either from fingers or the pulsation mode of a vibrator, that will work best to bring you waves of delight.
5. Be curious of finding your erogenous zones. Don’t be all focused on the genitalia area. Breasts, thighs, neck, belly, lips can be worth stimulating as well.
Other tips to set a sexy mood for yourself:
It does make a difference when you touch yourself without having the drawback of friction…
Get your sexy groove on.
Play songs that you find sexy, and it doesn’t have to be Marvin Gaye or Barry White 😉
Today’s erotica has great options for women, made by women. So, if you’re not finding your fancy on YouPorn, expand your horizon on Instagram or blogs!
SOME NIGHTSTAND ESSENTIALS FOR GOOD SEX
We all have a box, a drawer, or a something, with like a survival kit for sex. How about we make it into something we like, that we do not feel embarrassed with, and that actually looks nice the same way our vanity with our favorite cosmetics would? It’s not only a matter of THINGS, it’s a matter of MINDSET. Sex is fun, it makes us feel good, it makes us look radiant. Let’s give it a space that translate this!
Yes, it sounds basic, but safe sex should never be made an option. And who said it was a guy’s job to buy condoms anyway? Buy the ones you like, Always check the material and ingredients. Once in a while, check the expiry date. As time passes, the lubricant on the latex may dry and the risk of rupture increases. So better make sure that your condoms are good for use to avoid finding out, at the worst moment… Talk about a mood killer!
LUBE. Believe me, life-changer. We’ve virtually all experienced pain during sex (talking about women here). And sometimes, we put up with it. Why….? Seriously? Some moments in life (pregnancy, after giving birth, menopause…) come with dramatic hormonal changes that may affect how we lubricate. And besides these big milestones, stress, dehydration, or our menstrual cycle can also have an impact. Needing some help in the lubrication department is very common and nothing to be embarrassed about! You can also use lube for so many things, not all sex-related: bye bye, pad and tampon-caused skin irritations, post-waxing skin inflammation. Joined the menstrual cup trend? Lube it up for easier insertion! Got a ring stuck on your finger? Lube it up! Make sure it’s a clean lubricant though. Some contain some dubious ingredients. This goes on your reproductive system, so, a little background check can’t hurt!
For yourself and/or to use with your partner. The good news is that today, there are vibrators that have actually been designed to please women, and not deliver on what men think a sex toy should look like. So, if you’re not into over-sized plastic penises (and there’s nothing wrong with being into these!), you should be able to find what tickles your fancy. Without going into some sleazy shop, while looking over your shoulder as if you were about to do something very bad. It’s 2018, you can find vibrators in beauty and fashion stores!
Drawings, paintings, books, movies… Feed your erotic soul and let your imagination blossoms. Our brain is our first sexual organ, and exposing ourselves to some nice erotica also nurtures our libido.
Music, soft light, essential oils… again, things that relax you and put you in a good mood.
PARTNER SEX: LET’S UPGRADE OUR SCALE FOR GOOD SEX!
As we’ve said earlier in this guide, women and men do not use the same scale to evaluate our sexual experiences. But we’ve also established that there’s no reason why women should have less pleasure in bed.
FIRST AND FOREMOST, YOU DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH PAIN
We want to start with this, since so many of us have experienced pain during sex. It may not be the most fun topic to start with, but it’s very common, and very taboo for some reason, but it is also absolutely NOT something we have to accept silently. If you feel pain during penetration, simply ask your partner to stop. Then you can use lube, extend foreplay, or both! And if it keeps hurting, don’t force it. There are so many other ways to pleasure: our body is full of erogenous zones, let’s have fun with these!
It’s a massive turn for your partner…and for YOU! Studies suggest that men initiate sex twice more often than women. That puts us in quite a passive role. One explanation raised is that men are simply faster to get there. And we agree that feeling desired is obviously pleasant: it’s a turn-on, it’s an ego-booster, it makes us feel wanted by our partner. But this goes both ways! Initiating sex with our partner is a great way to let them know that we feel desire for them. It strengthens the relationship. And it also puts us in the driver’s seat, which is exciting for both of us.
ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT
We’re not saying that you have to get all directive, shouting orders like a platoon leader. But guiding your partner with words, with moans or by taking their hands is a good first step to share with them what you like, what is bringing you pleasure. Trust us, they will pay attention and will be happy to get some insights. Faking an orgasm does nobody a favor, but asking reciprocally for what we like is a real win-win!
DON’T FOCUS ON REACHING AN ORGASM …
…you’ll miss out on all the fun! And most likely on the orgasm part as well… Sex is fun, it’s a moment of great intimacy with your partner. Don’t rush it like it’s some kind of race and orgasm is the finish line. A few tips to enjoy the journey:
1. Breathe. Take some times long breathes and pay attention to the sensations you are feeling. For example, ask your partner to play with one of your erogenous zone, and only one, and focus all your attention on this while breathing slowly.
2. Explore. We think we know our erogenous zones, and the number of stops the train must take before reaching the destination.
TRY NEW THINGS
After a while with the same partner, we all have a sex routine. It feels uneasy to break, and we can feel embarrassed about to talk about it with our partner. You can start small. Why not try a new place in the house? Or try a new time of the day? You always have sex at night? Try morning sex!
Toys. Props. Sex is fun! You don’t have to take it super seriously. And there are a lot of great options out there to play with your partner. We share some ideas here on how to use vibrators during sex.
Slow sex. It sounds hippie, and probably is a little, but it is actually a great way for both partners to connect to each other and with themselves. More about it here. You don’t have to change everything at once. Simply tweak the routine with new little things. Step by step, it will be a whole new routine!
There you have it. A comprehensive guide to a great sex life. We keep on asking you what you would like to know more about, working with sexologists to bring you fresh updates and creating the best vibrators for women and intimate lubricants so that is not only work and no play.