For some of us, orgasms are like unicorns that rarely deign to visit. And for the rest of women who experience orgasms, it is rarely on an ongoing and steady basis.
Sexual pleasure for women and people with vulvas is as much a matter of how we feel in our mind as a matter of how we feel in our body. What influences our capacity to orgasm? And how can we set better conditions to increase chances to experience the ultimate state of pleasure?
Orgasms and the mind.
Several studies have been conducted to look at the relationship between the activity of the mind and the ability to reach orgasm during sex.
In one of those studies questioning 191 women between the ages of 18 and 59 showed that women who had difficulty to orgasm during intercourse were also the ones showing propensity to having negative thoughts during sex. These negative thoughts influenced their mind and their ability to feel pleasure.
Calming the activity of the mind when having sex seems to be key to living a full experience and increasing chances of reaching orgasm. Another study led by Pascal de Sutter, professor at the department of sexology and family science at the University of Louvain in Belgium confirms: women in the study who reported regularly reaching orgasm during sex seemed to be more focused on their bodily sensations during intercourse than the women who had trouble having regular orgasms with their partners, the researchers said.
So, there really is a relationship between the mind and our orgasms.
Sex and the brain - how does it work?
If sexual arousal is a physical phenomenon, sexual desire resides in the brain. More precisely, in the limbic system, one of the oldest parts of our brain (a sign?). A chain of reaction triggers the release of hormones which leads to the physical phenomenons of sexual arousal.
In order for this chain of activation to start, the brain needs a stimulus. This could be a sexy thought, or a stimuli of the senses.
Neurologist even showed that if the thoughts need to be stilled for a full experience of arousal, the other way is also valid:
“orgasm is also accompanied by deactivation of many areas in the brain relating to external stimuli in particular fear, allowing the mind to focus on the task at hand.”
Sex is, in itself, of way of calming the mind. How about that for meditation !
It makes sense: having sex is an activity of the now, it happens in the moment and it is as spontaneous as spontaneity could get.
If the mind starts mumbling and rambling during sex, it is the recipe for disaster. Imagine thinking of what you will eat for dinner, or your unpaid bills, or a recap of your day at work during sex! If it ever happened to you, you know it can kill the mood and set you for a bad experience.
How to prepare your mind for orgasm.
We get it. Life is stressful : the job, the social interactions, children, traffic jams … It is full of opportunities for the mind to ruminate endlessly, even before and during sex. But fear not, as there are ways to trick the mind in order to let go and enjoy the moment.
1. Set-up the right environment.
Our mood, our thoughts and our energy are very much influenced by the external environment, more precisely by the sensorial stimuli our environment sends us. So, it is on you to set-up the right stimuli: dim the lights, listen to sexy music or wear a sensual perfume. It will instantaneously relax you.
2. Speaking of sensorial stimuli…
A massage with an oil you love is definitely a go-to to relax and send a clear message to the mind to chill.
3. Talk smooth.
The power of words on the mind is real, so ask for sweet (and sexy!) words from your partner to send the right vibes to your brain.
4. Change environment whenever you can.
Take it outside the bedroom, in a hotel room, or anywhere else you fancy. As the external environment will influence your ability to relax and be in the moment, change it and switch to environments you know will suit you. Because, really, what is best than having sex in a fancy hotel room once in awhile?
5. The weird bonus tip – take a shower before sex.
Ok, this sounds like some kind of Jedi rule, but it does work! The act of washing yourself before having sex sends a strong signal to the mind that you are washing over everything that happened during the day or within the last hours prior to the present moment. You are washing away the emotions of the day, the fatigue, everything that happened. And, you are also literally washing the pollution away, the dust, the hand shakes, the smells, … This gives a fresh start for another (sexy) part of the day.
6. Train your brain to the art of letting go.
Even when you are not preparing for sex, you actually are! It takes time and discipline to train the brain to stop the rambling and just be. Meditation is an excellent practice to have in your everyday life to calm the activity of your brain and be more present. There are many apps today that accompany people in their meditation, with guided sessions, music and ways to keep track of your progress.
7. Last but not least – exercise.
Exercising is a form of meditation, since it is usually a moment where the mind shuts down and you are just there, present. Moreover, a healthy body is the perfect vessel for amazing trips to orgasm-land!
Try these tips and see if it makes a difference. Any difference will be the start of your journey to mastering the art of letting go for a fully conscious sex experience!
