No, bisexuals donโt have it easier!
Sex therapist Casey Tanner aka @Queersextherapy debunks myths about bi-sexuality and offers tips to be a better ally to the LGBTQ+ people in your life.
Most members of the LGBTQ+ community know that there are pros and cons to being โseenโ in their identities. Within my community, being seen as queer is connective, validating, and helps me get my needs for chosen family met. Outside of my community, though, being identified as queer comes with a range of unpredictable and sometimes terrifying reactions from strangers.
When out with a partner, I am constantly evaluating and re-evaluating where it is or isnโt safe to hold hands, be affectionate, or use terms of endearment. I am a white and often straight-perceived person, so the levels of discomfort and hyper vigilance I experience in hetero/cis-spaces are actually quite small compared to folks with more marginalized and/or visible identities.
What is bi-erasure?
Certainly, there is both loss and privilege in being under the radar as an LGBTQ+ person; the bisexual identity often lies at the crux of this conundrum. Within the queer community, there exists the perception that bisexual people have it easier. This idea is not only harmful, but characteristically untrue. Countless research studies have shown that bisexual folks have, on average, higher rates of depression, anxiety, andย suidice and lower access to affirming services that help with these struggles than do lesbian and gay individuals. This research is explained largely by the likelihood that bisexual people will be rejected by BOTH straight and LGTQ spaces. That is, straight people may label bisexual people as โtoo gayโ while people in the LGTQ community may label them as โtoo straightโ. Both are wrong, and bisexual people get erased.
There are many other ways we erase, invalidate, and micro-aggress bisexual people. We tell them (or imply), โItโs just a phaseโ. We call it โexperimentingโ. We accuse them of being indecisive, unfaithful, dirty, and a whole host of massively biphobic labels. We create spaces for gay and (some) lesbian folks, but when is the last time you heard of a public space for bisexual people?
Bisexual visibility matters.
This matters because what happens in the micro impacts the macro. Research neglects the bisexual identity. Doctors often donโt ask questions that make space for bisexual folks. Perhaps most importantly, all of this teaches bisexual individuals to erase themselves. Bisexual folks come out, on average, several years later than gay and lesbian individuals; part of this discrepancy can be attributed to how little validation of the bisexual identity we offer to teens and young adults.
My hope here is to offer just a bit of the validation thatโs been missing, and to get other people who arenโt bisexual to do the same.
How toย be a better ally to the bisexual people in your life
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When in LGBTQ+ spaces, donโt assume that women are lesbians or that men are gay - there are many other identities!
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If someone in the LGBTQ+ community begins talking about a sexual and/or romantic experience with a different gender, keep invalidating reactions to yourself. This includes acting surprised, saying โI thought you were gay!โ, or making any comments that suggest this experience is less valid than one with the same gender.
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Check your biphobia on dating apps. When you reject someone on the basis that they sleep with a gender other than yours, you are reinforcing harmful stereotypes about bisexual people.
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Take some time to assess where your biphobia comes from - what is it youโre really afraid of? If youโre afraid of STIโs, thatโs not about the bisexual person - itโs because you need to do more research on testing and having conversations about sexual safety. If youโre afraid of being left for someone of another gender, thatโs also NOT about the bisexual person. Know which parts of the work are yours to own.
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Donโt fetishize. Bisexual people do not exist for your pleasure, fantasy, or power trip.
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When you mess up, apologize, move on, and do better. Donโt put the bisexual person in a position to have to soothe you or make you feel better about your microaggression - that soothing and compassion has to come from you.
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If youโre still learning (we all are!), find an accountability partner who is not bisexual and do some research together.
Bisexuality is very, very real. If you identify as bisexual, you donโt need to โproveโ yourself as being legitimate, serious, or valid - you just are. Youโre valid if youโve only slept with one gender; youโre valid if youโve never slept with anyone before! Youโre valid if youโre out; youโre valid if youโre not! And for those of us who arenโt bisexual, we need to do better for these essential and amazing members of our community.
