Google 'How to create confidence' and your screen will be flooded with thousands of articles about Superman poses, positive affirmations, and crystals to protect your energy. But what role does self-pleasure play in our bid to create more confidence? Whether we need confidence to ask for a pay rise or start a business, is self-pleasure something we should take more seriously?
Pleasure as a power move was born out of conversations with members of the Smile Makers community worldwide, who mentioned that they used self-pleasure to de-stress and alleviate anxious feelings before big events, such as job interviews and first dates. One thing that isn’t discussed enough is the numerous benefits of pleasure, beyond just the instant feel-good sensations. The hormones and chemicals released during orgasm, and pleasure regardless of orgasm, create a physiological reaction that can help us feel more confident, release tension, and be deeply in tune with ourselves. Pleasure empowers us throughout the day and when regularly integrated into our routines.
Pleasure can boost our confidence and sense of self-worth.
For a long time, female masturbation has been seen as a dirty word. Even its spelling makes it seem like a word designed to be whispered quietly rather than spoken out loud. There’s so much taboo surrounding self-pleasure that my friends and I used to find it easier to talk about investing than our pleasure habits in the bedroom. But honestly, my awkwardness around talking about my practices isn’t a surprise. While my parents weren’t religious, my siblings and I were encouraged to attend weekly Sunday services. Years later, I can still remember the long talks that stressed that sex was intended for reproduction and anything outside of that was sinful.
I’m not alone in this. At the Pleasure is Power event, hosted at Candid Studios in London, many shared similar stories of guilt and how it seeped into their relationships in adulthood. Breaking free from those ingrained messages wasn't easy, but it opened a door to a deeper understanding of my own body and how I express my desires. That newfound self-awareness has become a powerful source of confidence.
How to use pleasure to boost your confidence.
Regardless of why you might feel shame around self-pleasure, reclaiming it is a powerful act of self-acceptance. When you practice prioritizing your own needs and desires, this self-assuredness radiates into other areas of your life. Here are my top tips for using self-play as a tool for building agency and confidence.
1. Schedule time for play and exploration.
Life gets busy, and it’s easy to let self-care fall off the to-do list. But your pleasure matters. Schedule dedicated time for self-exploration, particularly around big moments on your calendar. Got a big meeting coming up? Are you pitching to a board of investors soon? Plan negotiable time for self-care ahead of the big day.
2. Release shame and embrace self-love.
Does sexual pleasure feel shameful to make time for yourself? Does rest and play feel unproductive? Notice the stories and limiting beliefs that pop up as you do this. Practice self-compassion by using positive affirmations that reinforce self-acceptance and confidence.
3. Start with exploration.
Self-play isn’t just about having an orgasm; it’s about invoking the senses. Light a scented candle, and use Gua Sha or body massage after a shower as a segue to physical touch. There’s no right or wrong way. Notice what creates pleasure and what doesn’t. Commit to exploring different types of stimulation beyond what might feel obvious, something like the Vibes of the Week vibrator set makes this fun with lots of inspiration.
4. Build pleasure into your routine.
Decide that your needs and desires are too important to come last. Create a way to build self-play into your routine. Spend time journaling how your new practice makes you feel and what areas of your life you want to bring your newfound confidence into. Try sensual journaling prompts to get you started.
5. Pleasure beyond the bedroom.
Pleasure doesn't only exist within the boundaries of your bedroom; it's a powerful force you carry with you throughout your day. When you consciously embrace pleasure, you shift your energy, which helps relieve stress and anxiety. Intentional pleasure practice can release hormones like dopamine and oxytocin, helping you feel calmer, more focused, and naturally confident in any scenario.
Understanding your body as a source of empowerment.
Growing up, as women and people with vulvas, we are rarely given the tools to fully understand our bodies, their potential, or how to connect with them. Whether that involves masturbation or the menstrual cycle, being able to tap into hormones and energy wasn't shared with us; yet it holds incredible power! Understanding our bodies and having that knowledge makes us feel more confident and sure about ourselves.
Pleasure as self-advocacy.
By prioritizing pleasure, you're essentially advocating for yourself, asserting that your needs, desires, and wellbeing deserve attention. This self-advocacy doesn't stop with intimacy - it influences your willingness to speak up in your professional life, relationships, and community. Pleasure then becomes a radical act of self-respect, reshaping your narrative around self-worth.
Conclusion: The pleasure-confidence connection.
Reframing pleasure as a power move is about reclaiming our narratives and dismantling outdated beliefs about self-play. Pleasure fosters intimate knowledge of our own needs and desires, breaks down shame, and builds our self-confidence. Integrating pleasure intentionally into our routines allows us to navigate life's moments (big or small!) with greater ease, authenticity, and self-assurance. Ultimately, true confidence isn't just about external perceptions; it’s deeply rooted in how connected we feel with ourselves.
