This month’s Masturbation Diary is by Emily, who reflects on how her mental health impacts her libido and ability to reach orgasm. She shares how she navigates these changes during partner sex, while still prioritizing her solo experiences and sense of sensual self - showing that masturbation and relationships can both have a place in our sex lives.
Living situation: New England, living with my partner.
Relationship status: Long-term relationship.
Pronouns: She/her.
What sexual orientation best fits you right now? Bisexual.
How many sex toys do you own? Three, including The Billionaire!
Do you ever use lube during masturbation? Sometimes.
What do you call masturbation? Masturbation, or getting off.
How would you describe your libido at the moment? I’m currently enduring some mental health struggles so my typically very high libido is nearly nonexistent. I also started taking medication again, which has also taken a nasty toll on my drive.
Growing up, what kind of convos did you have about sex? I vividly remember my home sex-ed involving Goldfish and a glass of water. My parents didn’t really talk to me beyond P-in-V sex, so my understanding of pleasure was pretty limited. I lost my virginity at 18, and most of my friends weren’t sexually active until we’d all gotten older. We all now have conversations not only about our sex lives, but about masturbation and female pleasure in general. It’s really cool that we get to do that!
At what age do you first remember masturbating? I had my first orgasm by accident when I was 11, but I only knew I was masturbating when I was around 13. I remember feeling like what I was doing was wrong, yet I couldn’t stop doing it. It was only when I was 15 that I decided to stop worrying about it so much.
Emily's masturbation diary.
Week one.
This was a tough week. I struggle with seasonal depression, and post-grad life has been less glamorous than expected. I also experience a lot of guilt over my changed libido, and it comes up in conversation a lot in my relationship. Thankfully, my partner is incredibly understanding, and he takes my lead on these sorts of things.
Week two.
I’d try to get off on my own, but finishing is much harder than it used to be. I know that being so anxious about finishing is really counterintuitive, but I really can’t help it. I use the assistance of some audio erotica to help me get where I want to go, and it’s almost always a home run. It was also my two-year anniversary, and we managed to have a really good time despite my hurdles. It helps having such an encouraging boyfriend!!
Week three.
Valentine’s Day was this week, too. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. I’m more often not in the mood than I am these days, and I felt pressure to perform (from myself, no one else). I work full time, and my partner is in college, so we also have very different schedules. When we find the time to be intimate, I want to be able to enjoy it as much as he does. Once again, having good communication is key to a good sex life. There was never anything to worry about, and I was able to enjoy myself like I hoped I could.
Week four.
A pretty lackluster week in terms of my life. If I find myself thinking about something sensual, I try to let myself indulge in it a little more to see if I can get aroused. I also find that this point of low-libido has been an opportunity to explore my sexuality in terms of kinks and scenarios. I keep surprising myself with the things my body reacts to. While it’s incredibly frustrating going through these changes, I know that these circumstances can change as long as I put the work in and keep up the communication in my relationship. Also because I really love masturbating lol.
One question we often hear at Smile Makers is whether masturbating while in a relationship is okay. The answer is a resounding yes. Masturbation is an important form of self-care — much like going for a run or meditating — and it remains valuable whether you're single or partnered. In long-term relationships, especially when living together, it’s easy to let self-pleasure slip down the priority list. But our sex lives aren’t defined solely by our partners. Touching ourselves helps us stay in tune with the types of stimulation we enjoy, builds body awareness, and strengthens our sense of sexual self. This self-knowledge can help us notice changes in our bodies, support medical self-advocacy, and even build confidence for things like cervical screenings. Plus, maintaining a connection to solo pleasure can support a healthy libido over time, for ourselves and within our relationships.
Masturbation diaries by the Smile Makers Collection community are here to discuss what we rarely discuss... how we masturbate! We hope to inspire and prove that every one of us is writing our very own sexual story. We also adore that it's a great time to reflect on our monthly pleasure and note how it impacts our wellness!
Want to share yours? Let us know what a month of masturbating (or not!) looked like for you, and if we feature yours, we'll send you Smile Makers' goodie as a token of our appreciation for inspiring us all.
