Mutual masturbation is when partners pleasure themselves in each other’s presence—with hands, a vibrator, or whatever feels good—while the other watches, participates, or does the same. It’s not a replacement for other kinds of sex. It’s its own complete, intimate experience. And for many couples, it’s the most honest, connected, and reliably satisfying thing they could add to their sex lives.
It’s also one of the least talked about.
What is mutual masturbation?
Rather than focusing on performance or outcomes, mutual masturbation centers pleasure, curiosity, and communication. It removes pressure from partnered sex while keeping intimacy firmly intact. You’re not trying to impress anyone or replicate anything. You’re simply sharing how you experience pleasure, in real time.
Sex is not confined to penetration. There is mutual masturbation, sensual touch of erogenous zones, playing with sex toys—so many different things couples can do together. Broadening that definition tends to make everything more satisfying.
“Mutual masturbation is like writing a map—or love letter—to your partner on how you like to be touched."
Why is mutual masturbation so powerful?
One of the reasons to try mutual masturbation is that makes it so powerful is that it invites honesty. Watching your partner touch themselves, or letting them see how you do, creates a shared understanding of rhythm, pressure, and preference that words often can’t capture. It’s intimate, vulnerable, and surprisingly connective.
It’s also—frankly—likely to be more orgasmic. When each person is focused on what actually works for their own body, using the kind of stimulation they know they respond to, the outcomes tend to be more reliably satisfying. For people with vulvas especially, who are more likely to achieve orgasm with direct clitoral stimulation, mutual masturbation removes the variables that often stand between partnered sex and orgasm.
“Off the back of a wider shift toward slower, more intentional intimacy, I predict mutual masturbation becoming one of the most popular ways couples connect sexually. Less about what sex should look like, and more about how connection actually feels.”
With more people feeling overwhelmed by a hyperconnected world, and with couples consciously turning toward each other rather than outward, mutual masturbation creates space for something that feels both intentional and deeply human.
How do you try mutual masturbation?
There’s no single way to do it. Here are three approaches, each with a different quality of intimacy:
1. Side by side.
Lying next to each other, facing the same direction or slightly turned in, keeps bodies close while removing the intensity of full eye contact. This works especially well when energy is low or when you want something grounding rather than goal-oriented. Hands move at your own pace, toys can be introduced naturally, and touch can ebb and flow without interruption. Intimate without being demanding.
2. Facing each other.
Sitting or lying opposite each other turns mutual masturbation into something more visual and communicative. You’re showing rather than telling—allowing your partner to see exactly what feels good, how you move, where your attention goes. There’s something deeply sensual about this level of openness. It builds trust, creates vulnerability, and often leads to a stronger sense of connection long after the moment has passed.
3. Long distance.
Mutual masturbation isn’t limited by location. Whether you’re in different rooms, different cities, or different time zones, sharing a moment over the phone or video—talking through sensation, timing, or fantasy—keeps intimacy alive without relying on physical closeness. It reinforces that pleasure doesn’t disappear with distance, and that long-distance desire can be nurtured through imagination and communication.
How do you introduce vibrators into mutual masturbation?
Toys slot naturally into mutual masturbation—and it’s actually one of the most relaxed, low-pressure ways to introduce one to a partner for the first time (and make sex more fun). There’s no performance pressure, no coordination required. Each person just uses what feels good for them.
A few that work especially well:
The French Lover: Designed for all-over body exploration rather than focused genital stimulation—licking, stroking, tickling. Works on any body, and its shape invites you to take your time rather than rush. The Firefighter: Its flame shape shows how much clitoral stimulation matters to women’s pleasure—a visible, tangible demonstration of what actually works. The Ballerina: Intuitive to pick up and use; partners can use it on themselves or each other without much explanation. Ergonomic, quiet, and versatile. The Poet: The suction toy with squeeze sensors. Using it in front of a partner shows them exactly what kind of clitoral stimulation you respond to, in real time—a level of communication most couples never reach through words alone. Absolutely, yes. The orgasm gap—the well-documented disparity in how often people with vulvas orgasm during partnered sex versus solo sex—exists largely because partnered sex defaults to the kind of stimulation that works less reliably for most people with vulvas. Mutual masturbation removes that default. Each person focuses on what actually works for their own body. The result is usually more satisfying for everyone involved—and the honesty it creates tends to carry into all the sex that follows. “Sex can just be a full session of mutual masturbation—and with women more likely to reach climax when clitoral stimulation is involved, it’s also likely to be more orgasmic.” It probably will, the first time. That feeling tends to pass quickly—replaced by something better. Couples who incorporate mutual masturbation alongside other kinds of sex generally feel more connected, not less. It’s an addition, not a substitute. The awkwardness, when it comes up, is usually just novelty. Lean into it. Laugh. The willingness to be a little vulnerable together is exactly what makes it work. Mutual masturbation is when partners pleasure themselves in each other’s presence—with hands, vibrators, or other toys—while the other watches or does the same. It’s its own complete sexual experience, not a replacement for other forms of intimacy. Completely. Many couples find it one of the most communicative and satisfying things they can do together—precisely because each person is focused on what actually works for their own body, rather than adapting to what works for a partner. Frame it as something you’re curious about exploring together—not as something that’s missing. “I’d love to try something a bit different—would you be up for it?” is usually enough to open the conversation. The first time can feel a bit unfamiliar; that’s normal and tends to pass quickly. Yes. Sharing a moment over phone or video—talking through sensation, timing, or fantasy—keeps intimacy alive when physical closeness isn’t possible. It reinforces that desire doesn’t disappear with distance.
Does mutual masturbation help with the orgasm gap?
What if it feels awkward?
Frequently Asked Questions
What is mutual masturbation?
Is mutual masturbation normal in relationships?
How do you bring up mutual masturbation with a partner?
Can mutual masturbation work long distance?
