One question that comes up often from our community is how to make yourself orgasm? Now, the orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all for pleasure - but we do believe that if you can understand how you like to climax and even what it feels like, writing your sexual script becomes a whole lot easier. With many more happy endings, too. So, we asked a sex therapist to share their orgasm expertise.
👉 Skip to: How to make yourself come.
👉 Skip to: How to come with a partner.
What is the female orgasm?
Let’s start with the basics. Women and vulva owners are often let down by a lack of pleasure-positive sex education, so there are many facts about orgasms to learn, and myths to unlearn. Literally, a female orgasm is a physiological response to sexual stimulation through rhythmic vaginal muscle contractions. It is just one of four bodily stages of the sexual response cycle; excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution!
This cycle is handy to know about. Firstly, it shows how climax does not mean the end, just the peak of pleasure sensations. However, just like when climbing a steep hill, you may not reach the very top but you can guarantee the views are still worthy of taking in. Secondly, it shows resolution to be the final stage - when the body returns to its normal state pre-arousal. This comes whether the orgasm does or not, and is the stage that comes with a length of time during which sexual stimulation cannot cause arousal, this is called the refractory period. Fun fact: the female refractory period is much shorter, making multiple orgasms more possible for vulva owners.
The orgasm is the pinnacle of pleasure, yet that doesn’t mean it’s explosive! Unlike people with penises, vulva owners can reach orgasm without ejaculation. It also occurs at different levels of intensity. Considering this information, plus the over-the-top and unrealistic depictions of women orgasming in films; it’s no wonder the female orgasm can be perplexing. But it’s this somewhat misconstrued complexity that makes it even more important to own your pleasure, and learn ways to reach orgasm. Because, let’s face it - nobody is ever taught how to masturbate, it’s something you have to harness and explore yourself!
Know what feels good.
More specifically, where feels good! To experience an orgasm and the pleasure responses, there needs to be some form of sexual stimulation. Something to arouse the senses, and build the surges of excitement.
The most immediate sexual stimulation hotspot that comes to mind is the vagina, right? Then maybe the clitoris, the only organ in the entire human body that is there for pleasure. Makes sense. Yet, your pleasure anatomy is not limited to just those two parts (despite what popular culture may have you think). The entire vulva, that’s all the external female genitalia, is super sensitive to stimulation of different kinds and can feel O-so good to touch. Likewise, the anus and perineal region shouldn’t be put to the bottom (bum, we mean pun, fully intended) of the pleasure spots list.
There’s more. Erogenous zones aren’t limited to just that part of your body. In fact, anywhere and everywhere on your body can become erogenous - a whole map of scattered sensors to explore your pleasure capabilities. Well-known intensely erogenous zones like the nipples, breasts and neck are go-tos for starters, but the beauty of your body and pleasure is that it is so unique to you!
Beyond the touchable pleasure anatomy, the brain is said to be one of the most powerful sex organs. Okay, so it’s not physical stimulation, but the mind can definitely be sexually stimulated. Whether to build arousal, or to go the whole way, the things you conjure up in your imagination can make you orgasm.
Solo: How to make yourself come.
If you want something done right, do it yourself - right? Well, when it comes to sexual pleasure both are fun, but doing it yourself allows you to place yourself at the centre of your pleasure and know what it is you want and like.
Learning how to masturbate is all about discovering yourself, and those sensuous parts of your body. Learning ways to masturbate that make you orgasm? It’s about finding what you like and taking it further. Accessing a relaxed headspace to find orgasmic positions, techniques and combinations that work for you during solo sex - here are seven tips and exercises to help you climax!
1. Touch yourself meaningfully.
Using your fingers is a good way to start your exploration. The skin to skin contact will help you understand how your body is made, and how it reacts to different movements. Remember, don’t just focus on your vagina and clitoris: touch your whole body. The only risk that you are taking is to discover erogenous zones where you didn’t expect you had, and that’s a risk worth taking!
2. Look at your body.
An exercise sexologists often suggest is to draw your vulva. The result shows that too many vulva owners do not know what their bodies and intimate regions look like. Yet, that is one of the key ways to become familiar with the personal “user guide” and intimate maps. Take the time to look at your vulva in a mirror, changing positions if needed, just to discover – or rediscover – how beautiful it is.
3. Identify the techniques that take you there.
Step by step, you will identify the touches and caresses that turn you on. Soft, rapid, strong, gentle... Play with your fingers and hands in different ways, using stimulation inspiration:
- Cup your hand on top of your whole vulva and holding it firmly.
- Circle your fingertips around your clitoris at varying pressures.
- Tap and tease your vaginal entrance.
- Gently squeeze your labia together to cushion and caress your clit.
- Use lube on your fingertips.
After a while, as you become more and more present to your sensations, let the orgasm gently roll over you. And let go if it doesn’t. Pleasure is always good, even without climax.
4. Forget about reaching climax.
Set a timer for, let’s say, 10 minutes. The objective, in the first place, is not to have an orgasm. When the timer is over, you stop, even if you have not reached an orgasm. Focus your mind on the strokes and touches that you are giving yourself. This is the best way to determine what you like and you don’t, so that it will be easier for you to have an orgasm in the future.
5. Be present.
Turn off your phone, turn off the lights. You can even blindfold yourself to be completely mindful of the physical senses. This exercise works only if you are present in the moment, focusing on sensations. The less you are distracted, the better it will be. Just like with any good mindful processes, don’t forget to breathe. Anticipation and concentration can naturally lead to you holding your breath, but by letting go and breathing deep you will be able to really let go.
6. Try clit rubbing.
Acknowledge the significance of the clitoris! In a sexual wellness report, 93% of vulva owners agreed that clitoral stimulation is important for climaxing, and 68% of US women said the clitoris is the key to reaching orgasm during masturbation. So, try stimulating your clit at the beginning, whilst exploring other erogenous spots (yes, use both hands!), or at the point in which you want to take your pleasure to the peak - to see what sensations this sexual key unlocks!
7. Time well spent.
Take time and make time. How to have an orgasm is a question to which the answer is ever so personal, and you cannot find it if you never take the time to search for it. Like with many things in life, practice makes perfect. Or, in this case… makes you come. Frequently masturbating will make you better at doing it.
How a vibrator can give you an orgasm.
The art of touching yourself goes way beyond using just your hands; vibrators can be very handy to make yourself orgasm. From reaching speeds your fingers can’t, to giving you unexpected pulsation modes that you can’t anticipate - learning how to use a vibrator could be what takes you to your next pleasure level. Vibrators and masturbation do go hand-in-hand, a combo that can be life-changing for many vulva owners. Finding orgasm through new sensations, overcoming penetrative pain to finally access pleasure, realising that sex toys aren’t all phallic… the many different types of vibrators are all orgasm options to explore. Some find the vibrating touch intense, especially on the vulva. Clit sucking toys offer up an alternative to vibration, that is less about touch and more about air-pulsation - creating a suction sensation on your clitoris. Sex toy advocates believe every vulva owner should own one! Now that you know yourself and what you like, partner sex is about to get a lot more orgasmic. It’s well-known that men reach climax much more than women during partner sex, and one way to close this pleasure gap is by vulva owners becoming aware of their pleasure potential. If you feel empowered by what you can experience, you’re much less likely to accept anything but. Solo masturbation contributes to this sexual learning. But, what more can you do? Acknowledge that partnered sex can be intercourse or outercourse. In the same way that solo sex is still sex, any sexual stimulation with another person is sex, too. That way, you ease the pressure put on vulva owners by society’s sexpectations of climaxing. You can orgasm with a partner(s) in many ways - be that oral, external or penetrative. To put this into practice with someone, remember these six things to come during sex with them. To take part and help you reach peak pleasure, your partner needs to know what you like, right? Partner sex is about exploring pleasure together afterall. Talking about sex is not always easy, so if you find yourself lost for words try an alternative form of communication. When you can find the words, speak positively! Instead of “not like that”, “not there”, “less strong”, say “I prefer this way”, “there, it’s so good”, “when it’s soft like that, it turns me on”… It will avoid making your partner feel incompetent, and create a positive, curious learning experience together. Don’t be shy to let your partner know when stimulation feels really good, too! Very few vulva owners reach orgasm through penetrative sex, but external clitoral stimulation can take you there. According to the latest findings about the clitoris, this is entirely understandable given the anatomy of the female genitalia. So, feel free to touch yourself, or ask your partner to rub your clit. The best sex positions for female orgasm are ones where the clitoris can be reached by hand. Plus, cupping your entire vulva with your hand after one orgasm could prompt another to roll over! Sex researcher Debby Herbenick said that "When it comes to 'good sex’, women often mean without pain, men often mean they had orgasms," demonstrating not only the pleasure gap, but also that pain during is much more common than you probably think for vulva owners. Lubrication is often the cause of this pain. Ensure you don’t get distracted by discomfort or pain. Lube is your best ally and there are more ways than one to use it! Sex should be fun, so get playful and don’t be afraid to use sex toys together. Show your partner your favorite vibrator that makes you orgasm every time, or choose one together. If your partner has a vulva, internal vibes can provide repetitive vaginal stimulation; if your partner has a penis, vibrators can be integrated into intercourse to find the best position for female orgasm.
Partnered: How to reach orgasm during sex.
1. Use several ways of communication.
2. Speak positively.
3. Give yourself a hand.
4. Listen to your body.
5. Use toys together.
6. Still masturbate!
Though you have a partner in crime orgasm, it doesn’t mean you should stop your solo escapades. Masturbating while in a relationship is absolutely a thing, with me-time an integral part of discovering your body over and over again. Reconnecting with your sexuality as an individual regularly ensures you stay curious and listen to what it is you want and enjoy.
