In our current fast-paced, super connected society, taking things slow is the new challenge. This has led to the rise of new currents such as slow food, or slow sex, praising the benefits of a return to slow life.
What is slow sex?
Created in the 70s in the USA, slow sex is a way of approaching sex with a focus on taking things slow. This approach is actually inherited from tantra’s concept of conscious sex.
In this method, the focus of sex shifts from a performance-driven activity serving the Saint-Graal called Orgasm, to an experience of two bodies and souls connecting in the present moment.
Ok, if we have lost you there, let us rephrase: slow sex gives more importance to sharing a moment with your partner by taking the time to live each moment of the intercourse, instead of serving the purpose of reaching climax.
So, slow sex is like infusing mindfulness and yogic vibes to sex. This is why, in the tantra tradition, slow sex uses the breath, eye contact or single caress at a time to engage into intercourse with 100% presence in the moment.
That is totally normal. Think about it: we spend our days rushing through meetings, calls, insta posts, hopping on and off buses and subways, grabbing coffees on the go while doing whatever other activity!
And here we are talking about taking the time to look into your partner’s eyes for a few (loooong) minutes, freaking weird!
The truth is that, we are just not used to living life this way anymore. And this fast lifestyle is all over the media: when was the last time you saw a sensual scene in a movie that did not rush through the whole thing to reach orgasm in 30 seconds? Well, we have done the exercise of reminiscing here, and what we could think of was Titanic… 20 years ago.
So why try slow sex?
For the pleasure of going upstream, being that single salmon swimming in the opposite direction of the herd !
Here are some four reasons to try slow sex with a partner.
1. Enhance connection.
Slow sex means and leads to being in the moment, and taking the time to connect with your partner. It can be an excellent way to re-create or maintain the bond in a relationship that would need more intimacy (hello, long-term relationships). It can be a fabulous way for long-term partners to beat the routine and create a special moment, out of time and the fast-paced everyday life.
2. Practice sexy mindfulness.
As said previously, one principle of slow sex has everything to do with mindfulness. Meaning, you touch my partner’s face, and it is your entire being, your mind included, that are focused on this specific movement, the specific sensation of touch. You look into their eyes, and that is all you are thinking of while doing it. Mindfulness is being fully aware and present in the moment, fully dedicated to what you are currently doing. It is accepting the moment exactly as it is, without expectations and judgments. It's about letting go.
3. Rethink what partnered sex.
The brain being the incredibly amazing work of art it is, the more you make it do one thing, the more it will become naturally good at it (this process is called neuroplasticity). So, you are guessing right: the more you practice mindfulness through slow sex in bed, the more your brain will naturally include mindfulness in any other activity it is managing ! Imagine drinking your daily latte while being 100% attuned to it, a whole new world opens its arms to you!
4. Not thinking of orgasm is actually a great way to orgasm.
Ah, the paradox of us humans. Being entirely dedicated to the moment during sex is the best way to disconnect from thoughts and the brain’s activity. When the thinking process shuts down (or lowers down), you give more space to yourself to connect to your body, and more space for beautiful body experiences to happen. Moreover, slow sex will certainly lead you to touch your partner (or yourself) in a different way which can give you the nice surprise to discover new erogenous spots of your body !
Tempted to try slow sex? Try these tips.
If you want to to take things slow, here are a few tips to get you started.
1. Re-learn being in the moment and take your time.
How we do anything is how we do everything. The more you live experiences with a present mindset, the more slow sex will come easy to you. It can start by taking the time to eat and appreciate the food you are eating, or you can practice meditation which is an excellent way to train the brain to patience and quietness.
2. Create the moment.
Especially if it is the first time you are trying slow sex, create the right environment for the experience. Choose the right place, the right moment, warm-up a bath… create a beautiful space that you will be happy to stay in for hours! Smell makes a huge impact to our sexual surroundings, try using scented candles and oils to tap into this sense.
3. Choose your positions.
Some positions fit more to slow motion than others. Maybe you want to find a position where you can kiss each other, and look into each others eyes - or have your bodies entwined with gentle rocking motions. The best positions for slow sex include:
- Lotus position. One partner sits crossed legged, and the other sits on top with their legs wrapped around.
- Spooning. One partner lays behind the other in a cuddling position.
- Scissoring: Both partners intertwine their legs to rub their genitals together, whilst reclining.
4. Don’t take it too seriously.
When trying new things, don’t take yourself too seriously. Talk about it with your partner, and if one of you laughs during an intense eye staring sessions, no big deal! Sex is supposed to be fun, and a giggle will add to the pleasure and intimacy between you.
5. Add toys to the mix.
Slow sex is the perfect opportunity to introduce vibrators into the bedroom. Longer sessions mean you have plenty of time to explore each other's bodies, and saviour the stimulation.
6. Stay lubricated.
Grinding, thrusting or rubbing for long period of times can feel really good, but also cause friction. A few drops of lube will help smooth out slow motions, and heighten sensations. Don't just apply once and leave it, add lube throughout the session if and when you want it.
The only important thing really is that both partners are aligned on the pace, so that there is no one left behind 😉